


The universe hates me.

by turtledove542



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Jedi, Reincarnation, Self-Insert, Spooky, ghost - Freeform, just crack, kind of, so much crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-27 23:09:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16229237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turtledove542/pseuds/turtledove542
Summary: Lily Rivura died, that much is clear.She died a horrible death, demoted to mere roadkill, and her last wish?To be reborn, as a tree or a flower of a woodland creature, one with nature and the sky and the universe.So naturally, the universe sticks her into Hatake Kakashi's body. While he's sparring with Gai.WHYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyIf that wasn't bad enough, now she's stuck, bouncing from body to body, staying anywhere from two to five days.The universe is laughing.Shut up, universe.Join her on her epic adventure, where she tries to die without killing anyone else.





	1. I'm not a tree, dang it.

English is underlined

 

 

Well this sucks.

I looked both ways, carefully jogged across the street, and look where that got me?

Dead. 

I always thought that I'd die of old age, surrounded by friends and family, the beeping heart monitor lulling me into a gentle sleep.

But no.

I was never religious. I thought that you just floated in the endless abyss before being reborn as a tree or fox or bird, or even another person, if you were really lucky.

Or if you were really unlucky, depending on how you look at it.

As I slowly died a horrible death, the product of a hit and run, my cute top (along with my torso) decorating the asphalt, with nothing but the wailing sirens to keep me company, I wished, with all my might, that I might be born in a different time, or a different place, and be one with nature, before I dropped into the abyss.

It was dark. 

And cold.

And damp.

Why am I still able to feel?

And then pain.

I wondered if I was being born. Didn't feel like it, the pain was more like a punch to the face if anything. I got a bad feeling, and a sense of something wriggling.

Gross.

I wriggled back, asserting my dominance and coming out on top, when all of a sudden everything came back. I opened my eyes, sharper than they were before, and my hearing was 2x better, at least. 

I hadn't realized that I was flying until I landed. Hard.

"My Eternal Rival!" A too-familiar voice bellowed and _Nonono I have to be in a coma but how can I be in a coma when I was bisected why am I here why nonono._

"Are You Feeling Alright? You Did Not Land Correctly! A Rookie Mistake! Do Not Fear, For I Shall Join You In 200 Laps Around The Village, So You Will Not Feel Lonely!"

I looked up, noticing that one of my eyes was covered, noting the wisp of silver hair in my peripheral vision, realizing that I felt a lot stronger and taller than before.

And there, standing in all his glory... Was Jiraiya.

Kidding. It was Maito Gai.

_It was frickin Maito Gai, Green Beast of Konoha._

_IN NARUTO._

_A FICTIONAL SHOW!_

_My whole life is a fanfic._

I gave him a weak wave before fainting.

Maybe I'll actually die this time.

 


	2. I'm not dead. Joy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I say hi to Kakashi and get sent to T&I.

 

English

 

I floated in the blackness, happy as a clam, thinking that the universe just played a prank on me. _No harm done right? Ha ha, it was pretty funny wasn't it, now that I think about it. You got me good! Alright universe, bring it on! I'm hoping for a redwood, but I think being a flower would be cool too._

I waited for the darkness to embrace me.

I waited.

And waited.

 _Universe?_ I thought  _Technical difficulties? You okay there, buddy?_

Someone is laughing. Why are they laughing?

I woke up with a start, slightly stunned. My limbs still felt too long, my hair too short and spiky, my eyesight too sharp. Something warm was bubbling under my skin, like a comforting presence. 

_Chakra. Never seen it before?_

Where did that come from? Where  _was_ I anyways?

"Ah, you're awake! Gave Maito-san quite a scare. Your Yin chakra was fluctuating in odd patterns, but we've got it under control. How are you feeling?"

I could understand the words, even though I didn't speak their language. That was... So weird. How did that work? Was I drawing on Kakashi's memories without even realizing? Am I stuck like this forever? I didn't realize that I was staring until the nurse blushed a little and looked away. Why did she do that?

"I'm good, thanks. Can you get the Hokage?I think I've been teleported across dimensions. You see, I'm not actually Kakashi. I would like to die now. Please and thank you." I said, with only a little bit of hysteria in my voice. Also, my  _voice_. Who speaks like that?

I didn't even realize that I had spoken two different languages until the nurse nodded quickly.

"Um...Yes, Hatake-san, right away." 

_Smooth._

"Shut up, will you? I really want to die. How would you feel if you'd traveled to a different dimension that speaks another language when you're supposed to be dead? I don't want to be here either." I snorted to myself. A concerned looking nurse walked in and checked my IV and temperature. Great.

_Maa, You're giving a bad reputation. They think I've caught the crazies. Probably from Gai. At least I have a whole library of Icha Icha in here to keep me company._

_"_ ~~~~Joy." I muttered to myself. I then promptly realized that I was talking to Hatake Kakashi, Jounin Sensei of Team Seven, Sixth hokage. I then registered that I was in the Naruto-verse. I then realized that not only am I in the Naruto-verse, but that I'm stuck in  _Hatake Kakashi's_ body. Of ALL the people-

"Kakashi." 

I snapped my head over. Asuma Sarutobi himself was  _standing right there._ Which meant that I was probably being sent to the T &I. Better than nothing, I suppose. Maybe they can get a Yamanaka to kill me.

_Don't be like that. It would be really embarrassing if they accidentally killed me too._

I ignored him.

"Sup, Asuma. Can you kill me? Preferably just me. I would mess so many things up if I accidentally took Kakashi with me. Like, so many." I said, doing the thing where I spoke both languages again without even realizing.

"Kakashi? You okay? Some sort of poison? I could ask them to run tests..."

I really thought that he could catch on quicker. I sighed, then pointed to myself. "Not Kakashi. Lily Rivera." I said, cringing at the slight accent.

Asuma stared for a good five seconds, before coming to his wits and snarling.

"What did you do to Kakashi? Tell me, and your death won't be as painful."

He knocked something on the wall, probably some sort of morse code.

_He said, 'Enemy nin. infiltrater, probably sleeper agent. ANBU Backup immediately' The nurses understand, and will find and tell the nearest ANBU._

_Yay._

_Stop being so pessimistic. Maybe they'll kill you, and I'll get my body back._

_Rude. So uncalled for._

"Kakashi's okay." I said. Asuma didn'tlook like he believed me. "Kakashi's okay. In here." I said, tapping my head. He still looked skeptical.

_Cheers, love, the calvary's here._

_You better not have been going through my memories._

Three ANBU chose that moment to burst in and knock me out with a swift chop to the neck.

I didn't think anything of it, except for the fact that one of them was wearing a cat mask.

Cat mask... Cat mask...

_Yamato._

_Or Tenzo. I prefer using Tenzo._

_I could be weird and call him Kinoe._

_You better not have been going through my memories._

_Go away, Kakashi._

_You go away._

_How am I not unconscious?_

Kakashi's body chose that moment to lose consciousness.

Joy. I look forward to waking up in chains and in a cell.

 


	3. somebody kill me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I get interrogated, I meet Kakashi face to face, and the universe giggles.

As always, English is underlined.

 

I woke up in chains, on a very uncomfortable steel chair. The warm fuzzy feeling under my skin is gone, replaced by a flickering buzz.

_This is somehow your fault, Kakashi. You probably messed with a seal. I refuse to believe that the universe is trolling me._

_The universe hates you._

_Go away._  

_Hey look, a Yamanaka._

There was indeed a Yamanaka sitting there, along with who I was pretty sure was Ibiki Morino. 

Joy.

_You need to stop saying that._

I ignored him.

"What did you do?" Ibiki asked, leaning forwards. "What did you do to Kakashi?"

"I held my hand up in the universal sign for _'Chill'_ and I tried to get the words sorted out.

"I did nothing," I said. "I died. Then I came here. Into Kakashi's body. It was an accident. Please kill me. I want to be a tree."

Ibiki pursed his lips and made a show of twirling a kunai in the air. The Yamanaka showed nothing and looked straight ahead. He looked funny.

 _He's nervous,_ Kakashi supplied, and how did I get used to his voice so quickly?  _And unsure. That's Inoichi, by the way. I think that he doesn't want to damage me. A little bit of him thinks that I might have just gone insane._

_Since when could you read minds?_

_Since you possessed me._

_When you say it like that..._

Ibiki grinned a bit to me. "How about, you tell me the truth, and I don't kill you? What did you do to Kakashi?"

I looked at him. "Nothing. The universe is out to get me. This is Kakashi's body, which sounds really gross, but it's true."

_Tell them I said hi._

_"_ He says hi."

_And tell Inoichi to get on with it already._

"He wants you to get on with it already, Inoichi-san." I say, attempting to be polite but failing horribly.

Inoichi growled a bit and looked towards Ibiki, who nodded.

"We ain't got all day."

Inoichi muttered some choice words about my mother and placed his hand on my head, and I was falling, falling, falling.


	4. I relive my death and someone flings me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My soul is used as a ball.

I was floating again.

_Universe? Please stop, this is just cruel. I'll settle for anything, Heck, I'll even become a blade of grass on a soccer field! Anything but this!_

_I didn't know I was that bad. What's soccer?_

I blinked open my eyes, feeling much shorter. I picked up a lock of hair and quickly sighed when I realized that it was my normal gold-brown. Hey look, it's the outfit I was wearing when I became roadkill! Maybe it was all a dream? My hopes were quickly dashed to pieces when I looked up and saw Inoichi staring at me and my weird (But cute) outfit that was totally out of this world. Get it? Because- You know what? I'll stop right there.

"What are you looking at? Staring is rude. Also, quick question, can you kill me? Please."

"What did she say?" Inoichi asked, glaring daggers at me. So only Kakashi could understand me? Weird. Why was I able to understand Inoichi then? So many questions, so little answers.

Kakashi translated, and Inoichi looked at me curiously. Wait. How could I tell that he was looking at me curiously? I couldn't tell whether someone was annoyed or angry in my old life, and wow, that's a weird thought. My old life. The pint is though, I couldnt tell what people were thinking unless it was painfully obvious.

"Why do you want to die? Do you want me to kill Kakashi too? Tough luck, it's not going to work on me. You'll be spending the rest of your life in maximum security and in chains the very moment we get you out, so tell me, and I might make it a little less painful. What are you doing here?"

I sighed. Classic intimidation tactics weren't going to work on me. I blinked. Why weren't they going to work on me? I should be sweating bullets right now. Past me would've. Also, past me? Is that what I'm calling myself now?

"Look, I really don't care. I lived, I died, and the the next thing I know, I'm in a different world, a different body, and I'm being punched by Gai. Hey that rhymes! Anyways, I want to go back into the abyss, and I want to be reincarnated as a tree, or maybe a flower. I'm not trying to kill anyone, I swear."

Kakashi looked at me for a second and played translator yet again, and Inoichi blinked.

"You aren't here on purpose? You don't want to take advantage of our Copy-nin, one of our best jounin and ANBU?"

Kakashi looked weirdly flattered.

"Nope. Don't you think I would've been a lot more subtle? I literally fainted in a middle of a match with Gai. Or maybe Kakashi fainted in the middle of the match. I'm still a bit confused by the whole sharing a body thing, which is gross, by the way. I'm not going to shower unless it's with all my clothes on. Or all his clothes on. Like I said, the line's a bit blurry. Also, I'm sure Kakashi doesn't mind too much since I'm not mentally scarred. Right Kakashi?"

"Oh, I mind. I mind very much. I've been trying to kick you out for a day now. It feels like someone's sitting on my subconsciousness. Do you know how weird it is to have a new language shoved into your head? The moment that you get out, I will hurt you, and then throw a small party." Kakashi said, with his idiotic signature eyesmile.

"What? She said a lot of things that I don't understand. Oi Translator, translate."

While Kakashi translated some more, I once again wondered if the universe did this on purpose. Maybe I was hallucinating? I couldn't be, this was way too detailed. Where was I, anyways? I looked around, realizing that I was in a library of some sorts, with half of it open to a forest of aspen trees. My mindscape, I assumed, since I'm pretty sure that Kakashi's mind would be full of a bunch of dead people, based on the fanfics I read.

The library had a very weird layout. It looked like a normal library, but it was very long and looked like it had been cleaved in half length-wise. Instead of several sections, There was one long bookshelf that traveled from the sitting area, in a corner and almost outside, all the way down before making a U-turn and traveling all the way back, before turning again and traveling to the back wall. The books looked disorganized and were strewn about on the shelves, and all of them were in muted gray-ish colors. I looked at one of the books closest to me and picked it up. Blank. I picked up another. Blank. I flipped through another three. Blank, blank, blank, which was rather worrying, considering that these were probably meant to represent memories.

Inoichi, who had finished listening to my translated rant, turned around and looked at me.

"Don't do that! You could activate a... Ah."

I interrupted him by showing him one of my books, and his eyes widened.

"Empty? But that makes no... Wait, don't open that one! That one looks-"

I held up a black book, thicker than most. It was different than the other nondescript books, and I had a good feeling about it. I slowly opened it while making eye contact just to spite him, looked down...

And I dissolved.

_Mr. Stark? I don't feel so good._

I snickered at the joke. Maybe it was all a hallucination. Maybe I'll finally be a tree.

Someone laughed. It was deep and booming, young and high. It was like every laugh I had ever heard put together, yet it was completely unique. Why were they laughing?

And then my feet were hitting the ground.

I looked around, and I watched Kakashi stumble out of nothingness, with Inoichi following.

I then realized where I was.

The day and the street where I died. I couldn't do this. I stumbled backwards, hitting something.

Or someone apparently.

It was me.

Other me didn't even notice as she trotted forward, slowly looking across the street.

"Where are we?" Kakashi asked, fixated on other me.

I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak. Stupid book. And here I thought that I was okay with my death.

"A memory," Inoichi said, answering for me. "And a traumatizing one, judging by her reaction."

Other me looked one more time and started jogging across the street when a car whipped around a nearby corner, heading straight towards other me.

Other me's eyes widened a little too late, and the car plowed into me, not even bothering to slow down, and wow, that's gory.

Half of my side was gone, and it looked like my neck was snapped. My right leg was crushed, with the other one twisted at an unnatural angle. One of my forearms was gone, with bones peaking out. Is that my liver? Gross. My whole body was covered in blood.

There was a distant muffled scream, coming from one of the houses nearby. I saw a lady grab her phone and run to the back of the house while dialing a number.

Tears were running down other me's face, her mouth frozen in a silent scream. That is a lot of blood on the street, and there were bits of bone peaking out everywhere along my body.

Ew.

Sirens.

I almost looked away, when I saw someone coming. A dark humanoid figure that I don't remember seeing approached me and knelt down, frowning thoughtfully, before trying to pick me up.

I say trying because her hands phased right through my body, but instead of picking up air, she picked up a faintly glowing... Thing.

Pretty sure that was my soul.

Instead of being all elegant and growing wings and flying away, or maybe letting my soul dissolve or something, she _bunched_ my soul i _nto a ball_ , and then proceeded to _fling it into the sky._

The humanoid glowy dark thing grinned, watching the little soul thing screech as it was flung at high speeds, and then poofed away.

Everything dissolved and I found myself back in the library, along with a surprised Inoichi and a shocked Kakashi.

"What was that?" Inoichi asked.

"My death," I replied, grumpy and sullen.

"Her death," Kakashi parroted, quiet.

"I figured, but who was that? What was the thing that you were hit with? What was the woman holding?" 

I shrugged, not in the mood.

"The Hokage will... I think it's time that I leave. I'll assign you a few ANBU guards, and you'll be free to go. I'm taking your name off the mission roster since... Well," Inoichi said, glancing at me. "You'll be free to wander around. Just, try to act normal, and don't draw any unwanted attention. Don't tell anyone."

I blinked and sat up. "You mean that you're giving me free range? I could totally be an Iwa nin lulling you into a false sense of security or something."

Kakashi translated.

"I don't think an enemy Iwa nin would say that."

"Reverse psychology."

Kakashi translated some more.

"They wouldn't say that either."

"More Reverse psychology."

"You know what? Just go. I wasn't aware that this was a torture session," Kakashi said, obviously annoyed, but quieter than normal and missing some of its snark.

Inoichi shot him a worried look before he grinned at me and disappeared.

And then I was falling, falling, falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yayyyy drop a kudos and ill feel warm and fuzzy. Also your comments are the best and make me smile like an idiot so keep doing that if you want to
> 
> yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy whatdoisayyyyyyyy


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I try to act like Kakashi.

I walk out the metal doors of T&I and blink in the harsh sunlight. I walk forward a few steps, still unused to this body, and nearly fall flat on my face.

 _Smooth,_ Kakashi says, sounding mostly recovered.

 _The second time you've said that._ _Be more creative._

Kakashi grumbles a bit before retreating.

I walk down the streets of Konoha, marveling at the sight of the Hokage's faces. That must have taken forever to make. What would they do when they ran out of room? 

As I walk past shops and stands, people turn around and wave at me, and occasionally give me odd looks. I mostly walk aimlessly until I find myself back near the Hokage's tower, in front of the academy.

The Academy.

Team assignments. 

_Hey Kakashi, quick question, when are the team assignments?_

_How do you... You know what? Never mind. Five days, I think. Will you be stuck in here for that long? Please say no._

_I have no idea._

How do you mentally sigh? Kakashi seemed to manage.

Team assignments meant Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke, the most important characters of all time. If the council or the Hokage or whatever thought that Kakashi wasn't well enough to be a sensei and assigned someone else, then things could happen. Wave, the chunin exams,  _Orochimaru..._

They could always improve them with a more with a hands-on teaching approach, but there was a risk that everything could go wrong. I wasn't a Naruto superfan or anything, but I'm pretty sure that team 7 were one of the only ones to not get put under by Kaguya's mind control thing, and the only ones to stop her. If I ruined all that...

Well. I don't want to ruin all of that.

I was also very glad that Kakashi couldn't hear my thoughts unless they were directed to him.

I got a few more looks, and I realized why. Kakashi was usually sticking his face in a little orange book. I decided that I might as well since I'm here. It couldn't be that bad, right?

\--------------------

**YAY CHANGE OF POV**

Tenzo... didn't know what to think.  **  
**

He was visiting a comrade that had taken a blow for him at the hospital with his other teammates when a nurse rushed past, glancing into the room he was in. She almost moved on before seeing the mask on his face. She had to have been a trainee at most, she didn't have the professional air that most other nurses had.

"Cat-san, Crane-san, Otter-san! Sarutobi-san was visiting Hatake-san when he relayed a message!  'Enemy nin. Infiltrater, probably sleeper agent. ANBU Backup immediately'. Come quickly, he's in room 205!" The nurse said, out of breath and flustered.

Tenzo nodded immediately and signaled for the two other ANBU to follow him before he understood the full implications. Kakashi-sempai, a sleeper agent? It was possible, but the enemy had to have been powerful. All the more reason to get there faster. 

He burst into the room, only giving himself a millisecond to see Asuma pointing a kunai at Kakashi-sempai and Kakashi holding himself in a way that wasn't natural, wearing an expression that didn't quite fit on his face, before knocking him out with a chop to a pressure point on his neck.

He didn't even resist. He just looked at Tenzo and squinted at him, as if trying to recognize him. He didn't even try to say anything. Tenzo got a bad feeling.

"Sarutobi-san, report."

"Hai, Cat-san. I was visiting a friend in the hospital when I heard that Kakashi was in here after fainting in a match with Gai. His Yin chakra levels also apparently skyrocketed and fluctuated oddly in patterns never before seen, according to a nurse. I came to visit him when I saw a nurse run out of his room. She claimed that he was speaking gibberish, but asked to see the Hokage.

"I went in, and he was speaking gibberish, but he recognized me and asked me to kill him, but then said something about messing things up. I asked if he was okay and he said, and I quote, "Not Kakashi. Lily Rivera". I then realized that the 'gibberish' was to organized to be so, and concluded that it was another language. 

"I questioned him and knocked a code on the wall, which a nurse intercepted and told you. Kakashi's eye clouded over and he seemed to be thinking or talking to someone. He then said, and I quote again, "Kakashi's okay. In here." He pointed to his head when he said that. His eyes clouded over again, and you guys showed up."

Tenzo pursed his lips and donned a very worried expression, not like anyone could see it. His worry did not slip into his voice, however (Too many years of Root) and his tone betrayed nothing.

"Have you informed the Hokage." 

It wasn't even a question, his tone as blank as his mask.

Asuma frowned. "Of course, Cat-san. He does not, however, know all of the details. I shall inform him immediately, unless-"

"I will tell Hokage-sama, Sarutobi-san. Return to your home immediately, and do not speak about this to anyone except for the Hokage himself. Dismissed."

Asuma's frown deepened at that. Anbu could technically dismiss jounin, and it was considered rude in a situation like this, but Tenzo wasn't thinking straight. He didn't know what to think.

"Otter, Crane, return home. Do not speak a word."

"Hai, Cat-san."

Tenzo allowed himself to mentally sigh, before drawing on years of Root training and locking his feelings up.

He then promptly jumped out the window, and he imagined not using chakra to soften his fall.

It was nice.


End file.
